It's been a major question to myself whether I could survive on my own. Without someone there to help, comfort or support me. I haven't been alone really. I had Mel just as soon as I moved to OU, so I haven't really been alone emotionally (one can argue that while you're home in a supportive family environment that you get the same thing, you're also young enough to accept it).

So even though I left and moved out, I still had someone there. She helped me and in a way I helped her. Now she's gone too. And I mean really gone, she has made it the mission of her life to forget me and ignore all attempts at contact. Although it's what's needed for her, it's a pretty shitty thing to do; emotional bonds aside, she was for the time I knew her, my best friend. Though I won't say I don't derserve it.

My ability to deal with being alone comes and goes. Last weekend sucked, I was in a depressed funk. This weekend was ok, but I had some work to do and a fair bit of booze to help me though it. And of course it's always the weekends that are the hardest, when I'm left by myself for long periods of time. The week is too busy for thinking ;).

Mel and I are trying to come to terms with what we really want. We recognize that we don't want to be with eachother (mutually), but we need to evaluate if that's a good decision to entertain and if later on in life we'll regret it. She's still my friend, but we know we don't work together. Meanwhile, I need to deal with losing my friend. She won't forgive my indecision, and she'll never forgive me. That hurts, probably not as much as I've hurt her, or others. Again, I deserve it. How long will my penance be?